My Baby is Holding Me Hostage
For a while from about 4 months to 8 months of age she slept almost entirely through the night. But the older she gets, the more frequently she wakes up to nurse. I think every time she rolls over it wakes her up. And she wants to nurse.
I think this qualifies as elder abuse and I am considering calling Adult Protective Services on her.
So I get up about every 2 hours all night long (last night it was every hour). Eventually, I lay back down in bed with her to nurse because I am so exhausted that its all I can do just to get up and get her out of her crib yet again. And whenever I try to shift my position in bed, she wakes up and wants to nurse again!
So the options are to lay stock still and never move, or to have her permanently grafted on me. Neither of which I am interested in just now, thanks.
Last night was worse than usual. She woke up every hour, all night long. By 5am I was actually angry. Angry at her, angry at life, angry at myself for not being less angry. I let her cry in her crib for half an hour because I did not want to nurse her anymore. I refused. I refused to be abused any longer.
Eventually guilt drove me to pick her up. I had tried to tell her to go back to sleep, and I know she understands the words "Go mimis, Rose". But it wasn't working, obviously. I picked her up and stomped to the couch where I begrudgingly held her but continued to refuse to nurse her.
Poor thing squirmed and flopped all over me, trying to get as close to me as she could. I think she would have crawled right back in the womb if she could have. Eventually I yielded and crawled back into bed with her. And when I started to nurse her I also started to cry. Because that is what you do when someone is abusing you.
I am so done with the night time nursing. She is a year old, she needs to sleep through the night already!!! I don't think this is an unreasonable thing to want. I wouldn't mind even nursing her once in the middle of the night. But there are no half-measures with Rose, apparently.
So at this point it was nearly 6am and I was officially awake. And angry...did I mention that? She had fallen back asleep so I decided to get up. And guess what?
She immediately woke up and started crying again because I left her side!
I grabbed her and we went into the kitchen so I could make coffee. If I wasn't going to sleep then neither was she. Though I knew she was still sleepy, I put her in the high chair with some cheerios, which she likes. She happily started to eat them.
I made my coffee, checked e-mail, and then I realized she was suddenly very quiet.
If she can sleep peacefully in an uncomfortable high chair, she can sleep in her own crib without sucking the life out me. Phillip is going to have to start putting her to bed and night and back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. Because I just can't do this anymore.