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Showing posts from January, 2012

The Link Between Diapers and Vom

Ivy is 5 years old. And because she is practically a grown up at this point, I was thinking that it's time she starts earning her keep. To that end, I figured I should teach her how to change Rose's diaper.

Not that I mind changing diapers, but having Ivy do it could free me up to do other important things such as playing hopscotch. This is where I line up drinking glasses, fill them all with scotch, and drink every alternate glass. Maybe filling them with iced tea would be more prudent. But frankly, hoptea just sounds like a stupid made up game.

So a couple of days ago, I asked Ivy to come and change Rose. The moment she got close enough to smell the diaper, she gagged. Melodrama, I thought to myself as stifled an eye roll. I told her to forget it and not to worry about it - I would change Rose myself. But Ivy is a good girl and she really wanted to please me. "No, it's ok mom, I can do this," she insisted.

But as she tried to unbutton the onesie at the business…

The Sickness

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Chocolate Sprinkles and Rubbing Alcohol

So I know I have talked about caffeine addiction, but because I am flawed and weak human being, I admit that addicted to chocolate as well. I have been using caffeine and chocolate to get me through stressful times, sleepy times, and just general times (as in, any time of the day). I had been keeping a candy stash, which was my go-to source when I needed a little pick me up.

But I knew this was totally unhealthy, so I had stopped buying a candy stash in an effort to curb the chocolate addiction. However, simply not having it around does not eliminate my craving for chocolate, sweets, and anything sugary.

This is why I soon found myself desperately searching the cupboards for anything that could be remotely considered a "sweet".

The only thing I could find was chocolate sprinkles in my baking cupboard.

This, of course, is not really chocolate. But it was all I had and I eagerly ate some. Bleh! They do not taste very good when not on cupcakes.

It suddenly dawned on me what I …

Lazy Saturdays

It's a lazy day today. I can't shake the sleepy from my eyes, but I don't care, because it's Saturday.

There is something sweet and beautiful about Saturdays. All the toil of parenting during the week is relaxed because it is the weekend. I struggled all week long to keep the kids from watching videos in the stead of more mentally stimulating activities,  I schooled, I made nutritious-ish meals (or at least tried), I did laundry, I vacuumed, I picked up, I parented firmly.

But today is Saturday, it's everyone's day off, right? Well ok, there is not really a day off for parents. But I am taking one anyway. This means that I lingered in bed even though I was awake, I made hot chocolate for the kids, and I put on a video for them.

Today I am not going to cook, I am going to heat up pre-made meals. I am not going resist their cries of "more bideos, more bideos!" I am going to nurse Rose frequently so I can sit in one spot. I am not doing laundry and I am …

How to Look Like a Rock Star

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Having a baby and being exhausted a lot of the time makes me feel really old and decrepit. Sometimes I see a picture of myself and I am surprised by how young I look, simply because I feel so old. And something about feeling old makes me want to at least fake youthfulness.

In fact, I think this is what you call a mid-life crisis. Or a mid-childbearing crisis. I don't want to be matronly. I don't want to be called "Ma'am". I want to be youthful and be called "Miss".

Sure, the correct term for a married woman with 3 children is "Ma'am". But I am throwing convention to the wind here because I pretty much want to pretend. I want to get hip. Be cool again (ok, I've never actually been cool, but I did say this was for pretends).

So I took a little trip down to the fantastic Euphoria Salon for some  help. Here is before, at home with the baby. Clearly something needs to be done with those split ends either way. Soooo.... let's chop 'e…

Murder!

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Things are getting more and more interesting around da hood. I have to call it "da hood" now because of all the crimes that seem to be happening around here. First, it was the theft. Now, it is murder.

There was a dead body in our backyard. There was a gunshot wound.

It seems someone thought it would be a good idea to do target practice on pigeons, and this poor guy fell out of the sky and right into our nice, clean, normally blood-less backyard. My children found the body. Great. Now I am going to have to put them into years of therapy to heal their trauma.



Interestingly, the pigeon had a leg cuff on with an ID. Turns out it is a racing pigeon. Which brings up some other questions like, "How do you race a pigeon?" and "Who would ever want to race pigeons?"

I don't really have an answer for those questions, but apparently enough people want to race pigeons to warrant an organization called the American Racing Pigeon Union. Since this seemed to be a ra…

Theft!

Someone stole my stroller.

Does this sound like a non-statement? Because to me, this is a big deal.

Last week I had come home from running errands, it was late in the afternoon, all three kids were melting down and I was ready to faint from exhaustion. So I unloaded everyone, put them down for naps and passed out in my bed for an hour. I had to settle for the bed because I still don't have a fainting couch for some inexplicable reason. When Phillip got home he pointed out that that I had forgotten to close the garage.

I scoffed at the importance of this. After all, I have become fond of pointing out to anyone who will listen that Henderson is the second safest city in the nation after Plano, Texas.

Fast forward to this week. I had spent the entire morning getting everyone ready for a walk to the park. But when we went to leave I could not find the stroller, which had been in our garage. I called Phillip to ask him where he put it and he said he had neither seen it nor moved it ove…

How to Battle Caffeine Addiction

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How can you battle caffeine addiction? Um, you tell me because I have no idea and I've been struggling hard against becoming addicted to caffeine. Heck, I even struggle against the idea of needing something like caffeine to get through my day. But the truth is that caffeine is like having a secret mommy superpower.

Caffeine makes me brave. Caffeine makes me want to live my life to the fullest. I can accomplish things when I have had coffee. It...dare I say it? It makes me a better person.

For example, when getting ready to go to the park with the kids, I normally just throw whatever on myself and the kids, and walk out the door. But when I have had coffee it makes me do crazy things like care about our appearance.


And, because I am nursing my 2 month old, she can also accomplish amazing things.



When I have had coffee, I can do a million things at once - like clean everything while talking on the phone with caffeine-less friends, nurse the baby, and just about anything else you can…

Things I Have Done While Nursing the Baby

Nursing a baby and multi-tasking does not always go together. In fact, it never goes together. Unless you are prompted by necessity. In which case, you do what you have to do, even if it is Cirque du Soleil-worthy. Which it often is. I present to you my list of things I have done while nursing:

Plunge a toilet
Drag a toddler bed out of the bedroom
Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
Participate in a murder mystery
Bathe my other children
Cook dinner*
Changing the baby's diaper. While I nurse her.
Load/unload a stroller and/or bike into/out of the trunk of the car
Do a load of laundry
Put on makeup
Grocery shop
Blog (duh!)
Put kids in time out
Vacuum and mop the house
Homeschool my eldest child
Brush my teeth
Take a shower
Do a cartwheel
Stand on my head
Drink a glass of water while singing the Star Spangled Banner

Ok, the last few may have been totally made up. Possibly. But you get the picture.

Every time I do accomplish one of these feats I think to myself: Wow, I rock! 5 years ago …

I Have Taken the Plunge

I've been putting it off for a long time, but I finally caved and created a Facebook page for Las Vegas Mama. Part of the reason I have been avoiding it is that I didn't want to have to maintain a both a personal and a blog Facebook account. But really, unless I wanted to "friend" everyone on the internet with my personal account, I needed to make a blog page.

So here it is, I introduce you to the Las Vegas Mama Facebook Page.

Please give me a "Like", and I will try to repay you by posting entertaining and fun updates.

Quick Take Saturday

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You've heard of Quick Take Friday? Well, this is Quick Take Saturday. And it isn't going to be 7 Quick Takes. It's four. I refuse to be pigeon-holed into providing quick takes of my life only on Fridays. I am way too much of an individual to be herded into the corral like that.

So as an exercise in trying to get back to blogging regularly, I am going to give you a snapshot of my day today. Not that my day is so fascinating, but I need to get on the writer's treadmill and work off that postpartum brain pooch. So here we go.

Phillip is working in the garage, because he has discipline and does what is necessary regardless of how tired or lazy he might be feeling. He doesn't just sit around blogging like some people I know, who shall remain nameless. He would punch a porcupine in the back if it needed doing. This is why he is my hero.

Now that Christmas is officially over, the decorations and tree are coming down to make way for the treadmill. Apparently my brain is not …

I Used to be Funny

What happened to me?

I used to be funny and entertaining. If I scroll through my past posts, especially the ones from 2010, I was actually funny! I made myself laugh, and that is hard to do because I am a tough crowd.

I know, you may be saying that I have three kids now and therefore no one expects anything from me anymore. Except for me to produce milk in copious and excessive amounts, thus making my baby balloon up into Cute Fat Baby with Plump Cheeks. Well, mission accomplished because my baby's cheeks would make a squirrel envious.

Having three kids and no sleep is not an excuse! I need to get back to the reason I started this blog in the first place - to force my brain to work. I think it's time to get back to basics. Funny basics. Basics that will make people want to actually read this blog, and will make people want to comment on the funny that I write. I want my readers to be all like, "LOL" and "OMG".

Sigh. I need a nap.

The Fairy Hobmother Strikes Again

A couple of weeks ago I left a comment in a post about the Fairy Hobmother at Family and Life in Las Vegas saying what was on my Christmas wish list. Shortly afterwards the Fairy Hobmother paid me a visit as well and gifted me with an Amazon gift card! This kind and gentle fairy works tirelessly to give lots of other bloggers such fine gifts as well. This fairy lives at Appliances Online where she provides you with one-stop shopping online for all the appliances your little heart desires. 
Wondering what exactly a Fairy "Hob"mother is? I found out its because the fairy's home at Appliances Online also sells hobs, so naturally the resident fairy needed an appliance-appropriate name. I had no idea what a hob was until now...and now you know too! You're welcome. 
The really cool thing about this fairy is that if you leave a comment here and tell the Fairy Hobmother what your little heart desires, she just may pay you a visit as well!