Las Vegas Mama

...I think I love you.

With all my desire to "get away" and have some "peace and quiet" I thought I would be partying it up without a backward glance. I did not anticipate that I was going to miss the girls as much as I do. It's strangely heartbreaking to sneak out in the middle of the night while your children are peacefully sleeping. Ok enough sap-talk, I'm off to have a mimosa. Oh shoot. In Spanish mimosa loosly mean cuddle bug. That makes me think of cuddling with my babies. Dang it. Make that 2 mimosas.

When your kids are all tiny and sweet they are so cute you could just eat them up. When they get old enough to back talk and sass you, you're sorry you didn't.

By chance I snapped this photo of Ivy making a funny face, and I could not let it go to waste! The winner gets bragging rights as the most clever person I know, because my brain is already on vacay and I could not think of anything. I like to say "vacay" instead of vacation because it makes me feel all sassy and fun. I realize it makes others think I am ditzy and annoying. And I am ok with that. Enter your caption in the comment box!

...means dressing your toddler while she does a death roll across the living room floor.

In the morning we are leaving for Los Angeles to drop our girls off with family, and then we are going to Key West for 4 days, 3 nights. Phillip has to go to a conference there, so Mama gets a vacay!  This is the first time in three years that I am not  a) pregnant, b) nursing, or c) both pregnant and nursing. This will also be the first time I have ever been further than 15 minutes away from the girls. Weird. I cannot promise to post every day during this coming week, but I will definitely try. Later, suckas!

...Doing my push-ups first thing in the morning, and then looking over and seeing both Ivy and Violet laid out on their bellies trying really hard to do push-ups too. Made me laugh!

Find a little peace and quiet at Saxby's Coffe Shop on Horizon Ridge in Henderson. They are quite child-friendly, with copious amounts of books and toys to entertain the little ones and plush couches for you and me to relax on. But the real draw is their free meeting room with large oak tables. It's free to use as long as you call ahead for a reservation, and there are large wooden sliding doors that completely close the section off from the rest of the coffee shop (including from the books and toys). Grab a latte and scone, and shut yourself up in the meeting room for a play date minus the Houdini-esque escapes by your children.  I am always a fan of anything that is 1) free and 2) has baby corrals.

... Giving Violet a time-out for whacking the dog on the head with giant piece of sidewalk chalk. Sure, it's not the same as hitting her sister, but "no hitting" means "no hitting"... right??

I thought I would share this favorite lullaby that I sing to the girls every night. It's a traditional South American song sung by Argentine singer Mercedes Sosa.

  Having to put your hand in the garbage disposal Christopher Walken The bottom of the diaper bag

Ivy: Look, Mom! (taking a dry boogie out of her nose) It looks like an asparagus! Me: Here, put that on this napkin. Ivy: No, that's ok. (carefully places boogie back in her nostril) Me: What are you doing? Ivy (shrugs): I'm just putting my moco* back. Me: Why? Ivy: It's a baby moco . It's crying, it wants its mommy. T he shriveled up baby moco falls back out of her nose. Me: What happened? Ivy: The mommy moco pushed it out. Me: Why? Ivy: She thought it was a monster Ivy tries to put it back in but it keeps falling out. She accidentally drops the moco. Ivy: Uh-oh! I just lost it. Me: Where did it go? Ivy: It died. It's in Heaven now. I'm sorry. * Moco means boogie in Spanish . Pronounced "moh-koh". This is your word for the day.

On the days when you question yourself as a parent, or feel guilty about bad decisions you think you made, remember you are doing better than a lot of other parents out there. At least you aren't these parents:

I have finally discovered Discovery Park. Comparatively speaking, it is absolutely idyllic - there is a lot more vegetation than at many other parks. The area for the younger kids is not very big, but you get the sense that no one is going to steal your stuff if you walk away and leave your diaper bag on the other side of the area. There is a shaded picnic table in the middle of it all, not that it is really necessary because there is so much lush grass available that you can bring a blanket and spread out under the shade for a leisurely lunch. But the hands down best part is that you can easily keep your little escape artist in check -  the entire small kid area is enclosed by hedges and a gate! In parent-speak, this park is PERFECTION .   There is a smaller area for the really tiny ones Nemo makes an appearance Side Note: Outside of the baby corral there is a larger traditional jungle gym for older kids, and lots of grass to kick a ball around.

Hippies Cemeteries Baby falling asleep in your arms so deeply that their thumb drops out of their mouth and they don't even flinch

Tips For Making it Through Tax Day: Turn that frown upside down! Bake an apple pie Put up your Don't Tread on Me flag Spend nothing on yourself today, Uncle Sam needs it more than you source

...will help you clean your house when its so messy that you can't find a single pair of shoes to wear. Thanks, Naomi!!!   Source

Child's Play is an indoor playground on the Southwest, which is excellent during the intolerable summer months. Ivy enjoyed it far more than a regular playground because they have a little play house with a kitchen and toy dinnerware. They have a couple of classrooms where they randomly break out free costumes and crafts when it starts getting crowded in the play area. Costumes are for boys too (Darth Vadar, swords, armor, etc.) Those same classrooms host a variety of child classes such as ballet and music classes. Good Thing: They have someone constantly cleaning, organizing, and most importantly sanitizing the toys and play equipment. The entrance always has an attendant so kids aren't likely to escape if you lose track for a few minutes. Excellent for one's peace of mind. Bad Thing: You have to pay $5 per visit or purchase a pass or membership. To quote Ursula from The Little Mermaid, "You can't get something for nothing, you know." Weird Thing:...

Ivy: BUUUUURRRRRRRP! Me: Ivy! What do we say? Ivy: Pardon my French. I blame my husband for this.

Why is it that when I try to wash my counter tops with soap and water they end up smelling worse than before? Oh.  Time to buy a new sponge. source

Rest in Peace, all ye remnants of toddler meal time. Here are your names and your gruesome fates: Unfinished Milk .... that has so much backwash you cannot save it for later Pieces of Banana ... held, dropped, and picked up again until it's brown and slimy Handfuls of Cereal ... tossed on the floor and stepped on until they are powder Spoonfuls of Rice ... stuck to the bib and every baby body part including the soles of her feet but excluding her mouth Cups of Juice ... willfully hurled to the floor, creating a Sticky Splash Zone that will attract dirt for days even though I cleaned it Alas, I could have fed a small country will all the food whose existence came to an end in my kitchen this week.

She jumps on the furniture She opens and closes her mouth, making a dry-mouth sound in the dead of night (I have super mom bat hearing, what!) She pooped in my house (only once, but it qualifies as passive resistance to our authority) She jumps on the dinner table when my back is turned to eat our leftovers She poops at everyone else's house that I take her to She is always underfoot and I trip on her constantly  Next dog-related post will be how I show the dog that I hate her back.

Children are like flies.  To get them out of a room you have to turn off the light and shoo them toward the room that has the light on. P.S.  Flies are gross

You're not better than me, sales girl at Kohl's. Just because I briefly lost Violet as she tried to run circles around several racks of clothes, does not mean you get to purse your lips at me. And when Ivy politely says, "Excuse me? What's that?" as she points to the Dr. Seuss display, you are supposed to provide customer service and answer her question even if the answer is obvious to you, not stare at her blankly as though she were a non-person. I've been side-looked in better places, thank you very much.

I want to clean the house. Really, I do. I am going to do it. Soon. I just have to do a little shopping first. Source

You love feeding mac n' cheese to your kids, because it's easy and filling. You can lie about it but no one is going to believe you and then people will know you are a liar. And then you are going to be embarrassed for real. So just embrace it and let's all be lazy moms together. Now that we are all on the same page, I want you to know that feeding them Mac n' Cheese just got easier and healthier. Enter The Mac Shack , a new restaurant on Warm Springs and Durango that opens this Friday, brought to you by the popular Nora's family of restaurants ( Original Nora's , Nora's Wine Bar , Bottega Nora ). It's gourmet quality Italian food with fresh ingredients, without the gourmet price tag. This is the perfect place if you don't want to cook or clean up after dinner, but you are also dreading the idea of sitting in a restaurant while your kids squirm and whine because they are hungry.  You order at the counter as you come in, take your number, an...

This was supposed to be a humorous post about what that dirt smudge on kids' noses is comprised of. But then I started drawing a nose, and it was so beautiful I could not cover it up with a smudge. So instead, I am going to give you random stuff that flowed through my head as I drew it. Think of it as free association on the topic of The Nose: When drawing the human face the nostrils are supposed to be darkest, but if you actually draw them that way the face looks just like Miss Piggy. In French a nose is called "un nez", which also happens to be what they call someone who develops perfumes for a living. When I was 13 that is what I wanted to be when I grew up. I cannot draw a baby nose, its all just adult noses (by extrapolation you can figure out that I cannot draw baby faces either) Kids' noses are magnets of the following: dirt, dogs' tongues, their own finger, and my business. No wonder they are sick all the time. Nostrils are highly undignified. Just a...

We drove back up from L.A. today. I really enjoy our long drives between L.A. and Las Vegas. Its an opportunity to be in very small confined spaces with my two toddlers. They love small confined spaces. It turns their usual cuteness into Ultra-Concentrated Super Cuteness. And what parent doesn't love that? After slowly doling out freeze-dried yogurt puffs and fish crackers for THREE HOURS they were finally silent. And then suddenly out of the blessed silence: Ivy: Mom? Me (with dread): Yes...? Ivy: I need a snack. The last thing I remember before blacking out was throwing handfuls of yogurt puffs into the back of the car.

Reasons for Springtime Joy: Everyone getting together with loved ones Sweets! Unbelievably delicious food Rejoicing in the beauty of life Rolling around in bed longer than you should Eggs hidden in the garden Coffee in the morning, with lots of milk and sugar Trees swaying in the breeze Impish kids tugging on your sleeve to take them outside Opening Easter eggs Numbering your blessings

Today officially ends Muppet Week ! Are you so, so sad? I want you to know its ok to cry. Your final muppet update is as follows: She no longer nurses at night or to fall asleep for naps She nurses once in the morning and once more during the day (this is more for biological purposes as my supply has not totally dwindled yet) She still pinches my muppets for comfort though I give it another week until the last vestiges of nursing disappear, but I didn't think anyone would appreciate a 2-week long Muppet Week. With that said, here is a special fare thee well which I thought would be most appropriate. Had I had the foresight, I could have asked Phillip to superimpose Violet's face upon each of the characters in the video. So instead I am asking you to take the leap with me, and imagine Violet saying goodbye to my muppets every time a Muppet says goodbye to another Muppet in this video. If you aren't weeping by the end of the video then you have no heart. And spe...

So, I know that most of you already know about The Cupcakery . But it bears repeating in case there are those of you out there that have yet to sample their Red Velvet, their Bailey's Irish Cream, or their Rolo Cupcakes. If you are like me, those cupcakes draw you to them like a siren's call. Just as sirens lured sailors to their deaths, these are not friendly cupcakes either. They hate you. They hate your full wallet and they hate your arteries. This is what they actually look like when you turn your back to them: Nonetheless, they are too amazing to pass up. I highly recommend them for breakfast.     Retroactive Muppet Rating: The final half muppet was withheld because I am mad that they are not free. source

Violet slept through the night last night!  Now if only I could train myself to stop automatically waking up at 2am and 4am.   So far bedtime has been about laying in wait like a crazed mommy puma until she is so sleepy she cannot resist my pounce, and then I grab her by the scruff of her neck and throw her into bed. I am looking forward to instituting a real bedtime routine. Soon.

Baby's hand down my shirt, creating embarrasing public situations.  Like at Church.  "Good Morning, Father. Why, yes...my muppets are being pinched as we speak." Awkward.