Las Vegas Mama

I got all weepy trying to find an appropriate tribute for Memorial Day. Be forewarned.

...The hand towels are usually missing from their spot, even if I just replaced it. So if I happen to have a roll of paper towels handy, I will wipe my freshly tooth-brushed mouth on the paper towel roll. Not on a paper towel. On the whole thing. And then I will leave it right back where I found it, for the next time. 'Cause that's how I roll.

"What, too much?"

...Even though I was the one wrestling a screaming, wailing, flailing toddler into the car seat, and you were staring right at me, your magnificent powers of observation somehow failed to connect the dots. I somehow could not see that you were also trying to get in to your car. But you were certain that I was being a jerk to you on purpose. Yes, that's it. I spotted you as you came out of the store and decided it would really perk up my day to block you from getting into your car. This is how I get my jollies, actually. I cut in front of you with my squirming child just in time to make you think you were going to get in your car first... psych! Ha, I win. I made it to the car door first. This all went exactly as planned. I even made a little map for myself as I walked toward the car. But first I had to use my magical stopwatch to buy myself a little extra time, natch, because of said crying child. So, using my magical stopwatch, I bought myself an extra hour so as to draw a det...

I went to sleep late last night because I felt the need to watch Scrubs episodes on hulu.com, and snack on a late night PB&J. The quietness of the house after everyone is asleep is my haven. This is when I can just veg out and finally RELAX. No tugging on my arm, no "mom! mom! look at me!", not even a husband to chat with. Just me and whatever I want to do. Mostly I want to recoup my sanity and remember that I am a person. Not just a boogie-wiper. Not just the hand that feeds them. Not just a play mate who re-enacts Disney movies over and over. So heck yeah, I will watch adult-appropriate content on Scrubs! I will eat late at night if I want to. The No More Food After Dinner, and If I Do Give in to Your Baby Bird "Cheep! Cheeps!" Then You Can Just Have Some Fruit Rule does not apply to me ! And oh yes, I will pee with the door shut in total, utter and complete silence!!! It was good. Oh, so good. A girl could get used to this. Of course, I am paying for...

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Further proof that it doesn't need to be my muppets that Violet pinches... ...Anyone's muppets will do just fine, thanks.

Still one of my all time favorite cartoons. I think I may be slightly obsessed with Cookie Carnival. I might like it better than my children. I mean I like the cartoon more than my children like the cartoon. Not that I like the cartoon more than I like my own children. That would make me a bad person. Actually, all the Silly Symphony cartoons are pretty brilliant...but I have a soft spot in my heart for cookies.

I went to My Gym in Henderson today to check it out, but I didn't end up staying for the trial class. Just walking in felt uncomfortable, like outsiders didn't belong there. There was an infant class going on at the time, and the 2 people who worked there were involved in singing songs and throwing toys around for the oblivious infants and their beaming parents. One of them finally came over to change the annoyingly loud music, and said, "Gimme like 5 minutes, I have to finish this class".  Hello to you too, dude. I waited until the end of the class, feeling out of place the whole time, and got the pricing info: $75 one time fee, and then $75 per month thereafter. The vibe was unfriendly, the place seemed slightly shabby, and when they finally did attend to my presence it was with blank stares and disinterest. Therefore, even though I didn't even get to do a class for Ivy, I give this place: They only get a full Muppet because I am giving them the b...

Last night bedtime was at 11pm, courtesy of Ivy's fear of monsters. This morning was a 5:30am wake up call, courtesy of Ivy's nightmare regarding monsters. This whole monster-fear-nightmare situation is killing me, but I think that may be a separate post. Today I also tried to visit a new place to review, and it was no longer in business, those slackers. I then tried a second place, which it seems does not open until 3pm. EVEN BIGGER SLACKERS. I hate math with a passion, but I think I got this one down: Lack of sleep + dumb slackers = irritation. When you add to that the usual kid challenges that happen on a daily basis, you get: Irritation + kids drawing on themselves with crayon = anger When we got home from the failed outing I tried to put them both down for a much needed nap. What I mean is that I really needed a nap. Due to above said anger, I lost total patience with having Violet sleep in bed with me (she still pinches the muppets. How do I wean her from mup...

In order to better illustrate my opinions on the places in Vegas that I am reviewing, I am instituting my new Muppet Rating System. In case you missed the euphemism that Muppets stand for on this blog, catch up here and here . The lovely Snowth of Manamana fame will be assisting me in my judging. The system will go from half a Muppet for places that are so disappointing they cannot even muster up a whole Muppet, up to 5 Muppets for places that rock my world. Here is what 2 and a half Muppets look like: I am so enamored of the graphics that I am thinking about going back and retroactively adding the Muppet Rating to the things I have reviewed.

This is what I want to know: When will getting your kids to eat enough fruits and vegetables stop being an epic battle of wills?

This has nothing to do with kids. This has to do with crazy toilet plumbing fixtures. I was at a ladies' gathering today in a lovely and well-appointed home in Anthem, and went to use the restroom. When I tried to flush the toilet, it didn't work. There are few things more awkward than using the toilet in someone's house and not being able to flush or having it malfunction in some way. So I tried to flush, and nothing happened. No handle pressure, nothing. The toilet was dead. Instead of panicking I coolly surveyed the toilet just in case I was missing something, while further pondering whether I was going to have to take the lid off the reservoir to make this thing work. That is when I noticed a small fixture attached to the right of the bowl. It read: Water Pressure:  Off . . . Low . . . High Ah ha! The dial is set to "Off". I don't know why the toilet is set to "Off", but that is obviously the problem. So I cranked it up to "High"....

Let me paint a picture for you. Baby is tired. Baby is fighting sleep off like if it's a chupacabra wielding mace and brussel sprouts.  She is probably also hungry, but is too tired to eat. I hold her in my arms. She squirms and kicks and cries. She needs to sleep. But she refuses. Finally, after an hour and a half of fussiness.... finally , she can no longer resist... and she nods off. Yesss! Victory! Chupacabra with mace and brussel sprouts has won! I carry her to my room to lay her in my bed, where she is most likely to stay asleep. Crap. There is a ton of clean laundry on my bed. I have to move the clothes and pull the covers back while holding the sleeping baby. With my leg, I try to kick the laundry off the bed. I overextend, and land halfway on the bed in an awkward splits position, one leg still sort of on the ground and one leg across the bed. Ok, that hurts. Baby check. Whew, she's still asleep. Now how do I get up? Squirm. Wiggle wiggle. Shift. Slide. I am...

So I signed Violet up for ballet at Fairytales and Tutus yesterday. Granted, she is only 18 months old and technically not yet the minimum 21 month age for the class. But from watching Ivy, she can already do an arabesque, a plie, a tendu, and go on her tippy toes. I think that qualifies her to start formal training. And being a baby is no excuse. In the words of the (in)famous Colbert, "I was a baby once, I walked it off!"

I was thinking that I want to start structuring our day to day and trying to make a real schedule for ourselves. You know, like: 6am         Wake up* and eat breakfast  6:15am    While making breakfast be angry that I am awake. Make coffee. Drink coffee. Be slightly less angry 6:30am    Nope, still angry. Make more coffee. Stare and it and wonder how many it will take to make the sleepy go away 7am        Clean up from breakfast. Remove soggy cheerios from girls' hair. Wipe up the lake of milk on the floor. 7:15am   Get kids dressed 7:30am   Finally catch naked babies who are running away from me. Dress them. Shoot,  I forgot their shoes. Get shoes and socks, chase them again. Catch them again. Put shoes on them. 8am       Look for lost keys. Find keys. Get diaper bag ready. While getting diaper bag ready toddler tak...

Kids think they can do all sort of really amazing things. For example, today Ivy has said "look, mom! look what I can do!!" for the following things: Running around in circles Eating a potato chip (it's actually a pop chip, so it doesn't count as a parenting fail) Jumping up and down Moving her arm in random patterns Completely disrobing Violet down to the birthday suit (ok, I admit it is pretty cool she has the dexterity to accomplish that.) Putting crayons in a container I want to tell her that I would be more impressed if she would break out playing a Tchaikovsky concerto on her violin, but I don't think she would appreciate where I am coming from on that.

If you need a laugh this morning, this is for you! My absolute favorite part is when one of the moms "plays" the guitar (broom) with the wind blowing her hair! Mommy Rhapsody from Church on the Move on Vimeo .

Ivy's ear ache is now under control with the use of ear drops. Sadly, said ear drops are the consistency of petrified honey. So it takes close to forever to drip down in to the ear canal.  I just want to know who the genius is that created such a thick solution for use in squirmy children. We just got back from another trip to LA for a family function. For some reason whenever I come back from a trip I feel this combination of an intense desire to clean and organize, and a sense of dread at the chaos that inevitably follows our arrival home. Among my top three dreaded chaotic travel results: Mountains of never ending laundry Toys that have multiplied themselves in the warm, dark environs of the travel toy bag Seeing the mess we originally left behind with fresh eyes Someday, when I win the lottery and can afford to retain a live-in maid (or when start a cult where people think they have to clean my house in order to cleanse the aliens living in their bodies), my home will a...

  The Clap Nuclear Winter My daughter to wake up in the middle of the night with an ear ache

Thanks a lot, Foothill Pediatrics... for making us wait an hour and a half after our appointment time. Due to the ridiculous wait, I had to feed my children goldfish crackers and raisins for lunch. Somehow I doubt this will contribute to their overall health.

In case you had not seen this yet, the Springs Preserve is having an Ice Cream Festival on Sunday, May 23rd. I thought it looked like a lot of fun, here is the info .

Ok, so veteran parents probably already know this. But I just discovered it and had to share. I wanted to get the house picked up but the girls kept demanding my attention and wanting to play. Somehow, inspiration struck and I started running around all over the house, picking up toys and discarded clothes as I went. The girls thought it was hilarious, and not only started laughing but they also started running around and chasing me and each other too. In no time, I had most of the house picked up. Granted, I only dropped items off in the room they belonged and didn't put anything in its exact place but the whole living room and kitchen were free and clear of clutter and it only took me half the time it otherwise would have! This counts as one of my better parenting discoveries. Anyone else have another good parenting discovery I can steal??

...When your toddler can just as easily paint your nails with crayons?  Either way, I am not going to understand what my manicurist is saying!

Last night I thought I was being so clever... I escaped and quickly ran to the bathroom and locked the door so I could use the potty* without 2 children and a dog for company. They trailed after me, and immediately started pounding the door. I can hear the dog panting and Violet babbling on the other side of the door as they all camped out. Suddenly, it stopped. All was silent. And then, Ivy's voice piped through, "Mom! Mom? I need you. What are you doing? You using the potty?" Me: Yes!   (toilet flushes) Ivy: Now what are you doing? Me: Flushing the toilet. Ivy: You done going potty? Me: Yes. (turning the water on to wash my hands) Ivy: What's that sound? Me: I am washing my hands. (I decide to take the opportunity to put away some toothbrushes and hair clips on the counter) Ivy: Mom! What's that? What's that sound? What are you doing? Me: I am just putting some things away. Ivy: How? Me: I just am. Ivy: Why? Me: Because. Ivy: What is it? ...

Someday, when the girls are overly sensitive teenagers trying to fit in, I am going to tease them about the fight they had today over Ivy's violin. Neither one of them could bear to share it, and I had to break it up numerous times as they scuffled over it. I figure this will be first in a long line of embarrassing things, along with naked bath pictures, I can hold over their heads as a "stick" to keep them in line. I think I need to open a file. I will call it, "Press Release In The Event of Teenager's Disobedience". From this you can safely assume I fear the day they become teenagers. Hm, maybe I should have put this one under Things That Give You The Heebie Jeebies .

Unlike the Baby Corral , aka Discovery Park, there is nothing to hold the little ones in at Exploration Park. But that's okay, because if you have the energy to chase them around a bit, they will probably particularly enjoy this park. The theme seems to be a frontier town. And frankly, it's lovely!  It has a variety of features for a variety of ages... splash pad, sandbox, small, large and extra large jungle gyms, and even a little stagecoach kids can climb up into. The splash pad is encircled by more shaded picnic tables. I particularly like the huge expanse of soft, rolling green grass...not exactly a common thing in Vegas. Ivy has never rolled down a grassy hill before, and although it was a bit awkward at first she finally figured it out and loved it.   In terms of picnic areas, there are individual picnic tables with their own little shades, so you can easily stake out a comfortable spot.  Or of course you could bring a blanket and spread out in the grass ...

Hugging your kids whenever they are are sad or afraid.  Always being there for them, even when you yourself aren't well.  Illnesses are tenderly cared for, no matter the time of day or night.  Laughing with your kids a lot, all the time, for the silliest of reasons.  Mopping up a lot of messes... And helping them make those messes to begin with.  Realizing for the first time how amazing your own mother is, and finally understanding the sacrifices she made for you.  Yearning for the time when your kids used to nestle quietly in your arms, while feeling proud they have come as far as they have.  Happy Mother's Day to all you Mamas out there... we know how hard you work. Enjoy your day!

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Hey, did you know Mother's Day is coming up? Mother's Daaayyyy! It's almost heeeeere! Ooh, ooh, Mother's Day is this Sunday! Say what? Mother's Day, that's what! Mother's Day is right around the corner! Ok, now here is where I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh in irritation. We. All. Know. It's.  Mother's. Day. I am getting very tired of hearing about it, it makes me feel like the pressure is on me to do I don't know what. Be extra gracious and sweet to my children. Be the epitome of love and joy. Sorry, peeps, you're looking for the big J.C. And for everyone who has a mother (pretty much all of you unless you were hatched from an egg), the pressure is on you too, to find her a nice gift and to show her what a great job she did raising you. Maybe I am just annoyed at how commercial it is. Appreciating someone sincerely is great. But please... take it from a mom - don't waste your money on buying something just for the sake of buy...

You should know something about me. I really love for sweet little girls to look like sweet little girls, instead of like rock stars or prosti-tots. Call me old-fashioned. I found this website called Grammie's Attic , and I although I haven't managed to justify spending the money for any of these dresses, I am still dreaming of seeing Ivy in one of them some day. They remind of days gone by...yesteryear, if you will. A kinder, gentler time where everything looked slightly fuzzy and bright and dreamy. Birds chirped, muffled conversations echoed, and laughter could be heard in the distance. I am pretty sure things looked and sounded that way back then. The movies show us that, so I figure it must be true.

Last night, after spending a good while dancing around with Ivy in his arms, Phillip sat down to rest. At Ivy's continued insistence he got up again to dance with her some more. "Whew," he sighed. From where I was comfortably reclining in the armchair, I pronounced, "You're out of shape!" Phillip side-looked me and said archly, "Like you can talk, you're just laying there like Jabba the Hutt." And glancing at a butt-naked Violet, who was cackling at all the activity as she half-perched on my shoulder and chest, he added, "With your little frog thing!"  I laughed so hard that I forgot to passive-aggressively torture him the rest of the evening for calling me Jabba the Hutt. PS I found out that Jabba's little "frog thing" has a name.... Salacious Crumb!

I am going to totally cop out on reviewing anything new this week, since my articles on 3 fun places to take your kids just came out in the latest issue of the Desert Companion . You can also pick up a copy at your local Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or Whole Foods. And don't judge me for slacking. Those cute little baby germs my girls got have just morphed into a big, fat ugly grown up germs. In other words, I got the cooties.  My articles are on page 54 and 55. Read 'em. Love 'em. And I promise something new for next week.

I had to miss dinner yesterday to keep an appointment, and Phillip prepared a plate of leftovers for me to eat upon my return. When I came home he was giving the girls a bath and this is what I found waiting for me in the fridge:

Now both girls are sick with RSV. Great. source

I am sure you are all wondering what my secret is to regaining pre-vacation levels of insanity so soon. Don't be jealous, I am a natural. We cannot all be me. But go ahead and kick off your flippity flops, fellow mamas, and take a seat. I am going to tell you how to be a high achiever, just like me. Step 1: Schedule your trip back from paradise as late in the day as possible, and don't fly directly home. Fly into a city that is 4 hours away from home. Go to sleep past midnight. Step 2: Get up at 4:30am to drive the last leg of your trip. Instead of music, listen to the kids whine and cry. Don't skip this one, it's an important step if you want to reach maximum levels of insanity. Step 3: Be sure you've scheduled important committments for the morning of your return. Step: 4: Wear a nice dress and high heels to said commitments. You won't have time to change, so put it on first thing in the morning. Step 5: Between Commitment #1 and Commitment #2...